Thursday, March 15, 2007

A View from the Convent

I guess my diatribe on Tuesday struck a nerve. First Matt Maron suggests he may post then, last night, another story is slipped under my door. The poster has a nom de plume and does not wish to be further identified at this time. I sense a theme here. Please give our guest poster a Keveny welcome. And without further ado I give you Sr. Perpetua Penance...

To My fallen brethren at Keveny Memorial Academy,

It is with little bemusement and great concern for the eternal life of the souls formerly instructed at Keveny Memorial Academy that I put pen to paper (well, no one really writes anymore). So I guess I put finger to keyboard, it makes no matter. I asked "Mr. Keveny Confessor," Lord save him from his near sacrilege, to post my letter to you on his weblog, not "blog," Why must we shorten everything, are we really in that big of a hurry? I am sure Mr. Keveny Confessor will do the moral thing and post my message. It contains some of my notes concerning your eternal salvation, my dear little students, during your tenure at high school. From time to time, God willing, I will post some of my thoughts about Mr. Keveny Confessor's little stroll down memory lane. Please keep in mind, while reading that I try to love you as Jesus loved you.

First I would like to commend those of you who refrained from the general level of drunken debauchery when many in your class did not. That commitment to self denial was your first step in your journey to heaven. For those of you who did not refrain, I hope Mr. Keveny Confessor proves a constant reminder that confession and penance for your past sins is your first step to the pearly gates. Take your cue from your fellow faithful students that you DID NOT SEE behind the bowling alley, or at the Canvas St. Pub, or Sebastian's, oh my the list is a lengthy one isn't it. Always keep in mind that drinking, in and of itself, is not morally offensive, BUT, overindulgence is a SIN and leads to many opportunites FOR MORE SIN. Are you listening boys and girls? Other sins include further abusing yourselves with drugs or without (is that clear enough boys!), driving under the influence of drugs, and, most importantly, getting a little too close to those of the opposite gender. If I had a penny for every time I needed to break up some of your "Public Displays of Affection," the Sisters of Holy Mortification Retirement Home wouldn't need to have a special collection at the parish every year. Remember girls, you should do what's right! If you let the boys have their way, not only have you sinned, but you have caused others (the boys) to sin. Chew on that for awhile.

While we are on the subject girls, I don't think I fully understand your complaints about the school uniforms. Granted the color may not have been the most appealing, but what better way is there to keep your mind on the things that matter and not trying to "doll yourself up" for the next addled brained,hormonally challenged, eighteen year old boy that walks down the hallway. I am sure in your adulthood you appreciate our demand that skirts remain "no more that two inches above the knee." This must be certainly true for those of you with daughters.

My second point concerns the general level of scorn heaped on your former teachers at this website. Sainted Sr. Susie did her level best teaching you little fallen angels how best to diagram a sentence. Consider her missionary stories as gravy or a cherry on top! She didn't have to regale you with stories of tropical poverty and depravity, but she did. And she did so that you would all have some appreciation for the good things that your parents, your teachers and staff at Keveny had given you. Please be thankful for that. You might even want to offer up your time in her classroom for the poor souls in purgatory. While on the subject, I remember Mr. Devine as a kind and compassionate teacher that honestly cared about education. His quick temper and exacting ways were the best tonic for those youngsters not quite ready for the discipline and harshness that the world requires of those who follow Jesus Christ. You might wish to say a rosary, when you have a chance, for Mr. Devine's continued educational success.

Finally, for those of you who fallen from the faith due to some perceived failing of Keveny Memorial Academy, I have only one thing to say to you: "Shame on you!" Don't blame God, Jesus, and Mary for the imagined hurts of two decades ago. They are still there, loving you, waiting for you to come back to the Church. Don't you think it would do your soul some good if you swallowed a big chunk of humble pie and got yourself to Mass on Sunday. Perhaps you could even stop off at the confessional Saturday and rid yourself of all the rotten things you did at Keveny.


Sr. Perpetua Penance, Sisters of the Holy Mortification

Ok then, comments anyone?


Cathy Frangie said...

She's not invited to the reunion, is she? Good!

A little Catholic guilt goes a long way!!

Keveny Confessor said...

I'm not really in a position to deny anyone access. You will have to speak to Cheryl Kluz (class of 1982). Try

mpmaron said...

Is this for real? Sounds like one of the ex-nuns putting you on.

Stinks of Yudin.